"Hey, Red Sox. Who's yo daddy?"

The 96-years-old baseball war between Boston Red Sox and NYC Yankees fans is heating up. It's brewing to a boil while our long-standing rivalry is at a peak with both our teams meeting in a best-of-seven American League Championship Series* starting TONIGHT here in New York City. Reality TV doesn't get any better than this. We're an urban version of the Hatfields & McCoys. (Descendents of that famed feud in the mountains of West Virginia and Kentucky, signed a “peace treaty” last summer and finally buried their hatchets 173 years later. So there's hope for all of us yet.)

* In Major League Baseball, the ALC Series determines who wins the American League pennant and advances to baseball's championship, the World Series. It began in 1969 when the American League was divided into two divisions, East and West. The winners of each division played each other in a best-of-five series to determine who would advanced to the World Series. In 1985, the format changed to best-of-seven. A Most Valuable Player (MVP) award is given to the outstanding player in the ALCS. No MVP award is given for divisional series play.

The 2004 rivalry is a repeat of last year's match-up, which left the Red Sox warriors reeling after a come-from-behind victory by the Yankees. Last Friday, Boston folded to us on the eve of a playoff series. We encountered each other 19 times this season and 45 times since the beginning of the 2003 season. Hopefully, it will develop into a more cordial diversion from the real war in Iraq [The Pope FINALLY supported our American position yesterday! Thanks anyway, Your All Holiness, but our troops already blessed our righteous principles with their blood.] and the nastier confrontations between two Presidential candidates who despise each other even more.

....Last weekend, there was a Major League Baseball T-shirt available (offered for wholesale distribution to league-licensed retailers and promoted on a Web site selling league-sanctioned clothing) which poked good-natured fun at the wise-assed remarks of one of their star players, ace pitcher Pedro Martinez.

The message on the shirt that drew fans' ire reads, "Hey Red Sox ... Who's your daddy?" and humorously displays a Yankees logo and a picture of a red pacifier with the unique letter "B" (for Boston) on it. It's an overt reference to Red Sox ace Pedro Martinez' recent homoerotic remarks after a loss to his archrivals: "Call the Yankees my daddy. I can't find a way to beat them at this point." Overly sensitive Boston fans began whining and the few thousand shirts that were produced were being recalled from retailers. Anyway, try counting as many as you can of them in the stadium tonight.

However, Boston should retract their own scandalous shirt which simulates our pinstripes logo and team colors saying "Yank this" with arrows pointing towards the wearer's crotch. (Which is comparable better then the popular red one which maliciously reads, "Make the World a Better Place and Punch a Yankee Fan in the Face.") Players & fans of both teams are rubbing each other the wrong way (pun intended.) PLAY BALL -- instead!

Afterwards last weekend, Martinez was chided up North for prematurely raising the white flag so soon. Then (in the aftermath of a 6-4 loss) he lamented: "I wish they would (expletive censored) disappear. Pardon me for using the F-word. I wish they would disappear and never come back. I would probably like to face any other team right now.'' (Pedro Martinez is the same team pitching ace who aims at batters’ heads. Former Yankees Mgr. Don Zimmer was so outraged that he impulsively charged at Martinez last fall. So the athletic pitcher tossed the frail and much beloved 72-year-old man to the ground on national TV.)

This is also the same cocky pitcher who once insulted NYC by saying "Wake up the damn Bambino and I'll drill him in the ass.'' (Regarding the infamous NY Yankee Babe Ruth "Curse of the Bambino" who supposedly prevented the Boston Red Sox from winning any World Series since 1918. Watch the oft repeated documentary narrated by Ben Affleck on HBO. The alleged "curse" is such an established part of Boston culture that it has also been the title of at least one book and was made into a musical play in 2001 which is still running strong up in Boston.)

Spoken like one of the crass, volatile punks I often hear when visiting the local lock-ups -- always confrontational. You should have some respect for your dead "daddy", Pedro. Necrophilia is sick. So grab your ankles 'cause payback's a bitch -- just like your foul mouth and tawdry conduct. Remember that the next time you spit into the air -- it could fly back into your face. For your penance... Come next month, take John Kerry back to Boston with you where birds of a feather flock together. Then you can call him "daddy" too.

FOOTNOTE: Our fervent prayers go out to ace Yankees closer Mariano Rivera and his family who are back in Puerto Caimito, Panama grieving over a family tragedy. Two of his wife's relatives were killed last Saturday while cleaning the pool at Rivera's home. Victor Dario Avila, a cousin of Rivera's wife, Clara, and his 14-year- old son were electrocuted. The teenager, also named Victor Dario Avila, apparently touched an electrical fence while tending to the pool. His father died trying to save him. Despite the tragedy, Rivera is expected to be with our team for today's Game 1 of the American League Championship Series against the Boston Red Sox. If not then we will certainly understand.

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SPECIAL SABMA FUNDS-RAISING OFFER:
Last year, New York beat Boston on Aaron Boone's 11th-inning homer in Game 7. ....Tied with the Yankees at three games apiece in the American League Championship Series, Boston had a 5-2 lead going into the 8th inning. Two Yankee doubles and a single later, the game was tied. The game went into extra innings and was decided in the 11th by a first-pitch lead-off home run by light-hitting Aaron Boone.

Besides the game, I was also watching the wires... The NY Post called the game wrong and ran an early press edition with the BLOOPER headline and erroneous article, "Yanks Lose" -- BEFORE the series even finished. So I raced to the NYC news stands at 3:00 A.M. as they came off the trucks BEFORE they were soon retracted & pulled back from circulation. They have now become a much-sought-after sports memorabilia collectible. If collectors or fans of either team would like a rare, unread, pristine copy then E-mail me for a full edition copy. Order yours today while supplies last and before the baseball season ends. (Mailed complete & unfolded via Priority Mail for a $25.00 suggested donation to our NYC street mission. Limited quantities available.)